I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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