he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
