Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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