my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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