yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
what day is it and did you see me today?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
