Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
