My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
