i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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