and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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