Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
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If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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