It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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