Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
