I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
