i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
