There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
