The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
