Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
My cat gives me a boner
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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