I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
