I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
