Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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