Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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