Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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