im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
