I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
