The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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