I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
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I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
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His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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