nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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