The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
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