My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
