dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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