There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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