Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
