he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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