I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
