my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
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I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
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I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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