Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
