if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
