There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
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Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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