Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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