If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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