oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
