this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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