Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
