Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(970): View more from Colorado

You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot

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(312): View more from Illinois

I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.

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(435): View more from Utah

Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off

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(909): View more from California

I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!

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