just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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