I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
