i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
