TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'm having to shit out rocks
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
