then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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