I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
