Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize