My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
