It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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