so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
