I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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