I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize